It Is Like It Ought To Be - A Pastoral

I recently attended THE MOST BIZARRE theatre experience I have ever been 'exposed' to.

I don't even know how to explain what I witnessed for seventy minutes.

Probably best is just to explain the rough sequence of events:

Upon entering the theatre, we were greeted by five actors in 19 century clothes, most playing folky-tunes on instruments (accordion, cello, violin/trumpet... yes, it was violin-trumpet COMBINED.. I didn't understand it looking at it and still don't) who stopped playing every so often to hand out glasses of cider...and to invite us..... to apple bob.

Several people apple bobbed with the help of the cast. (remarkably - mostly women with full faces of makeup and freshly coiffed hair - fair play) Then, volunteers having dwindled, one of the two actresses began to bob herself, with much fanfare, because she could, we were told, fit TWO apples in her mouth at once.

And so she could.

On her final extraction from the bath of water, the actress exploded out of the bath and started SCREAMING, with no seeming reason, in 'tongues' or witch curses... or something. I couldn't really hear as I was too focused on the fact that her cast mate was now, head-locking her, and fully immersing her head in the bath water, before dragging her out - by her throat - to allow her to 'tongues' some more. Several times. Then he kind of flung her onto the floor, where she collapsed...apparently 'unconscious'.

She was then bound up, and the audience was ushered into their seats - by the remaining three actors - swishing branches and long twigs (!) through the air in front of us.... and shouting 'Move along! Move along!' :)))))))))

Then twenty minutes of poetry about living in the country, away from the city, creating your own 'society' hidden in a valley ensued.

Then twenty minutes of the actors interspersing playing their instruments with making FARM ANIMAL noises. They didn't just make the noises, they recorded their noises on little dictaphones... and then walked up and down the stage.... not saying A WORD, replaying the noises....for the ENTIRE twenty minutes...every so often, walking in and out of the audience seats, and playing the noises to the faces of the audience members.

So far, so surreal.

Then, one of the actor went into a suitcase, and proceeded to unload roughly thirty mechanical fluffy white rabbits, set them around the stage, and set them to hop around, blink their red-lit eyes, and make 'squeaky noises'.

This we watched for some ten minutes.

Just sat.... watching the hopping, squeaky rabbits.

Then, poetry again...a storm is coming.

Instruments out again - loud stormy music.

Two of the actors begin disrobing (the advert had said 'Not suitable for children: Contains nudity') the male disrober, produced a bowl of mud, and having revealed his sinewy frame in its entirity, rubbed mud over thia entire, and I mean ENTIRE, body.

He then, got down on his hands and knees, and crawled in a circle like a dog making a bed. :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Then he got up onto his hands and feet, and walked around the stage like a bear on all fours.

The female disrober at this point, had revealed her boobs, and was laid out on the floor, rubbing dried leaves all over her clothes and boobs. And rolling.

At some point she started madly eating apples... and spitting and dribbling the mulch from her mouth onto the floor.

I think the other actors were playing music and screaming at this point. I don't know. It was all very confusing for me. :))))))

Then, onto the stage walks a women covered in a long velvet black cloak. She stood on a podium and shouted some brutal, storm-related words. While her cast mates rolled in leaves spitting apples and walked around like naked, muddy bears. (The little rabbits were still going by the way).

Then, with a loud bang, everything stopped (the storm...was over....)

Veeeeeerrrrrry slowly, the cloaked woman turned around.... to reveal her face...which was...a horse's face.

It was very freaky. David Lynch would have been proud. It has given me much fodder for future nightmares.

Then they put their clothes back on... and proceeded to kill a fake horse. It was blugeoned to death. And left in the middle of the stage. The poor horse (previously billed as 'the love horse' that audience members had been invited to 'speak to ' and record messages of love into it... for the love horse also contained a magical dictaphone)

The little rabbits were then set on the fake horse... to 'eat it'.

Then, light folky music came back on.... and all quietly sat down on the stage, got out A KETTLE and made a cup of tea. And just sat quietly for some minutes.

We sat watching them drink tea.

Then they recited nice poetry about rivers and kissing.

And that was it.

They disappeared off stage, and came back on for their applause, wearing plastic animals masks. A hound dog, a pig, a sheep, a horse and an owl.

And that was it.

And I will end this blog in the same way I came out of my surreal theatre experience, with a ????????????????? :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ?????????????????????

“The latest show from Uninvited Guests is absolutely brilliant… this is a clever, engaging and tightly controlled show.” The Guardian